Honest feelings about tough times....

It's so hard to put into words how i feel today.  I guess it may make some people uncomfortable to be so honest about feelings and such, but i need to get some of this stuff out there for the sake of my own sanity.  So here goes:

I have been so sad that i cry  nearly every day.  Usually only briefly, because days have their good moments too. It's not like it's misery all the time.  I actually enjoy what i am doing.  But the stage of life i'm at right now feels so very hard.  And despite the difficulty, it feels like what i have to do.  At least for right now.

Talk about a mid-life crisis.  Mine's a doozy.

I miss the kids so much.  It's hard knowing they are doing their thing, having new experiences, enjoying their summer, and not be there to be part of it.  They are growing up and i am missing part of it....  God bless Tracey for being the full-time mom and dad....  I'll be home soon.

I miss Nicole so much that i can hardly stand it.  I feel so, so foolish and sick for doing the things that cost me my marriage.  We're trying hard to be friends, but it's not easy.  I wonder if i've learned anything from the mistakes....  I wish her so much "good".  I hope the day comes when she can forgive me and then we can see where we stand.  We had a very good conversation via text today.  I'm grateful for that.

At the age of 48 i really don't understand my motivations or my choices.  I don't know why i've done what i've done, or why i do what i do.  I'm really hoping that this experience brings some clarity to all this.  I do know that i am sitting in the midst of a critical period of my life -- and that something is happening to me.  Something painful, yet at the same time constructive and positive.  I just don't know exactly what it is yet.  Please let it be growth....

I guess i'm looking at myself in the mirror with real honesty for the first time in my life.  I suppose that's a gift.  And no, i don't like everything that i see.  The flaws somehow seem more glaring and the attributes less significant.  But it still feels like an opportunity that i dare not let pass.

I'm not sure if the metaphor of the highway for me is running away from something or towards something.....  I hope it's the latter.  Am i being gutsy for pursuing something that is burning inside me, taking a stand in favor of pursuit of personal truth?  Or am i a selfish ass for leaving everyone and everything to pursue a poorly thought-out fantasy, a 2011 Don Quixote on a journey of imagined significance?  I don't know.

I know some will applaud, and some will judge.  So be it.

I do know that i am doing what i need to do right now, and this blog is part of the catharsis.  Thanks for being interested enough in my journey to bear with me during times like this.

Stay safe....

KWA