Signing off

The negative postings and associated hard feelings are just not worth the pain and trouble for this blog.  I don't want to drag my family through anymore discomfort.  My purpose has not been to make anyone feel badly or be upset, but obviously, i have failed.  Poor judgment on my part, i suppose....Good luck everyone.  Signing off.  I won't be back.

KWA

The journey continues.....

Well, looks like i'm going to be hired to drive for May Trucking, based out of Brooks, Oregon.  Probably will start next week, operating as a solo company driver (won't repeat THAT same mistake).  Waiting for the paperwork to be processed before it's official.

Territory will be 11 western states, so home time will be far more frequent.  That's a high priority, as i want to be sure to see the girls as often as possible.

Very strange being back in Salem.  Everything seems so different -- i suppose because i am a different person than i was when i left.  So much has happened, good and bad.  Looking forward to connecting with the people who really count.  Don't really care about those who don't.  And that list is pretty well defined now.

I guess i wouldn't be true to the spirit of this blog if i didn't record that it appears the divorce was made official earlier this week.  Time for a new beginning.  Truly wishing good things for all concerned.

Doing a few odds and ends projects for the folks while i wait for the new job to begin.

Thanks to everyone for their support.

Stay safe....

KWA

Back in Salem....

Well, had a nice road trip with the parents, who came and picked me up from Salt Lake City after i dropped the truck off.

Back in Salem now.  First order of business, connecting with the girls.  Second order of business, getting a job and transportation.  Time to get to work.  Hope you all are well.

Stay safe....

KWA

Anonymous? Really?

I get such a kick out of those who post negative stuff anonymously.   It gives me free license to ignore their comments altogether.  Especially when they have no clue whatsoever what they are talking about....:-)

KWA

That's Ken Armstrong, 48, from Salem, Oregon.
kenarmstrong123@gmail.com

Going out in style....

For those who haven't already heard, i've had an eventful morning -- trying to turn around on a street in Valencia, CA i hit a fire hydrant and sheared it right off at the ground.  Had a water geyser shooting 40 feet in the air for a good half hour.  Didn't even scratch Charley.

Good news was that the cop who responded was a former truck driver and he didn't even issue me a warning.  Said the firefighters trying to fix it needed a shower anyway....

Pic at the left is where the hydrant USED to be.  Would have got a pic of the geyser but it was dark, so nothing to see.

Just dropped this load of baby formula in Valencia, and then on my way with an empty trailer to Salt Lake City where i'll drop the truck for good.  The folks are on their way to SLC to pick me up, so won't need to take the damn bus again.  God bless them.

Next step?  Don't really know.  I believe i'll keep the blog going just as a means to process all of this.  I think i'll start looking for a local truck driving job.  Lots of companies are hiring (CR England is training all of them and then they quit because they aren't making any money.).

So very hard not to comment on my feelings about the divorce, on which i seem to have just defaulted since i don't have an attorney and can't respond or do anything from the road.  Best not to though.  I'm learning that my words have an impact and i don't want to say something i regret.   And to the haters out there who think i deserve whatever bad stuff comes my way, you can go to hell. (little preemptive comment there....).

I'm going to choose to not let it impact me though, despite it leaving me with less than nothing.  It's not going to beat me.  I'm still a dad.  And i still have the ability to get a job.  And i have friends and family who care about me.

First order of business is going to be to get transportation.  Maybe it's time to get that motorcycle endorsement....

Oh, i also picked up a nail and got a flat tire this morning, so they've been fixing it while i write this.

Time to head north on the final long-haul journey for CR England -- Interstate 15 from LA to Salt Lake City.

More to come.

Stay safe....

KWA

It's over....

Well, today the grand experiment officially failed -- i quit.

I did the math and the next paycheck was going to be in the red.  Couldn't keep going like that.  All told, i averaged less than $200 in take-home pay per month for four months.  What a disaster.

Very, very disappointed.  Headed home to God-knows-what...a bitter divorce, no home, no car, no job.  Could be worse i guess.  At least i have the girls (i think).

Thanks for staying with me....

KWA

A dark cloud in sunny Arizona....

Well, i was going to take a break from the "heavy" and go with some lighter stuff for today's blog, because it's been a pretty good couple of days up to this point.

But i'm kind of bummed out right now -- my paycheck for the week was a grand total of $1.37.  Sigh.  Last week I was in the hole $35.  How does that work?  Well, i'm what they call a "lease-operator" as opposed to a company driver.  A lease operator is an independent contractor to CR England.  We lease the truck from England, and are responsible for all costs, including fuel, insurance, permits, etc.  My total fixed and variable costs for the week were almost $2,400.  I get paid $0.95 per mile.  I did about 2,500 miles for the week.  Needless to say, that's not sustainable.

We each have a Driver Manager, who is responsible for managing the dispatches and other issues for a fleet of about 80 drivers. My DM is pretty good, and we have a good relationship.  I told him about my situation and he's going to try to get me 3000+ miles this coming week.  I appreciate that, but it doesn't help when you can't eat today....

CR England pushes all students hard to be lease operators.  They claim that lease operators get priority dispatch on the best loads (i.e., most miles), which helps you make all kinds of money.  I think i bought in to the rhetoric and trusted that they have a good program worked out to help you at least stay afloat.  Clearly, that's not happening to me.

Not sure that this grand experiment isn't going to end in a ball of flames very, very soon....

Very discouraging, but trying to keep my chin up.  I wonder if Subway is hiring...i'm pretty familiar with their product.

Stay safe....

KWA

Continuing to paint a portrait....

Over 100 degrees in Phoenix, and about 18 hours early for my scheduled drop.  Sigh.  Lots of time to kill....

Oh, and for those who have expressed interest in the actual inside of the truck, here is a pic of my bunk, where i write this blog and try to escape the summer heat.  It's basically a regular size twin mattress. Note the cooler to the left of the photo, which plugs into a 12-volt car charger and keeps stuff 40 degrees cooler than the ambient temperature.  A nice birthday gift from the family!! :-)  Currently full of Mountain Dew, yogurt and string cheese.

To follow up a little more on yesterday's post:

I've wasted a lot of time over the years dwelling on what i am not, rather than what i am.  I think that contributes to the whole notion of not having a sense of self.  So in my continuing effort to correct that, here are a few of the things that i am:

1.  I'm a good dad.  There has certainly been major room for improvement, but it is a defining thing for me.
2.  I'm a good writer.  I've been a writer ever since i did my neighborhood newspaper while in grade school.
3.  I'm a pretty good hobbyist musician.
4.  I'm someone with boundless curiosity and a need to experience and explore new things.
5. I'm a person with a good heart who does not like to see people get hurt.  I can be a very good friend.

Of course, recognizing positives requires recognizing negatives:

1.  I get my feelings hurt too easily.
2.  I can hold a grudge for a long time.
3.  I tend to look to others for approval (this is getting better though).
4.  I often will say what i think others want to hear.
5.  I tend (like many of us) to look out for my interests/desires first.  I'd really like to change that.

So what's the point of all this?  Well, i feel like i'm kind of painting a self-portrait.  Something i've never honestly done.  And it's something that probably would not happen without the time for introspection afforded by this trucking gig.  And that's a gift.

I'm also getting a sense of what is important to me and what is not.  Things that are definitely NOT as important to me now (but which seemed so critical to me six months ago) include:  a country club membership and golf as often as i want, eating out all the time, drinking good wine, hanging out downtown so to be sure not to "miss" something that everyone was doing or talking about, having a large, beautiful home.....   God, that all seems so long ago....  On the last point, right now i don't even have a home!  Everything i own is either in storage or in this truck.  Again, not singing the blues.  I feel pretty blessed to be where i am right now, as i have a real chance to turn things around and make some serious life changes.  And i'm not even 50 yet!  Not everyone gets that chance.  Or is willing to take the chance....

Stay safe....

KWA

Thoughts from Route 66 in New Mexico

Parked at an indian casino rest stop in Casa Blanca, New Mexico.  Stopped earlier on Route 66 at Clines Corners, a famous rest stop on the historic route.  Pretty good biscuits and gravy -- but you really come more for the history than the food.  Had a green chili burger at the casino.  REALLY nice to have a change of pace from Subway, Arby's and peanut butter sandwiches.

I'm about 24 hours ahead of schedule to deliver this load of candy (Charms pops -- remember those?) bound for Phoenix, so i've got time to nose around (which is a LITTLE tough to do when you're pulling a 53-foot trailer.  You're kinda limited to places that take semi trucks).

Today was a slightly better day.  Many thanks for the messages via text, FB, etc. expressing support and love.  Friends and family mean everything from the road.  Without you it would be pretty unbearable.

Believe me though, i don't write this stuff in order to get the warm fuzzies....  Just trying to be honest about what is going on and hoping it makes sense.

I've been reflecting ;today on just what it is that makes one happy.  I guess -- as someone special suggested today -- that it comes down to finding a way to love yourself and not being dependent upon the approval or love of others.  I've leaned heavily on others for my sense of self, and it's been defined for me by wives, children, parents, friends and even those who i don't consider friends.  I think it has truly been that way my entire life.  I can't think of a phase of life when it wasn't more important to me what others thought about me than what i thought about myself.  And consequently, when you don't give much thought to self, it's hard to have a clear notion of who you ARE.  And how can you be happy when you're a stranger to yourself? That's a pretty fundamental concept.  I think of this a lot less as self-absorbed than i do healthfully introspective.

Alan Jackson sang, "...I learned who i was, a lot about living and a little 'bout love." in his song Chattahoochee.  For some reason, the first part of that lyric has always stuck with me.  I guess it's because i'm jealous of it.  Now, it may just be words that rhymed, but i choose to think he meant it.  And if so, he's got something pretty big figured out.

So at this stage, what would i say about knowing who I am and what's important to me, rather than what has been defined for me? (not in any particular order):

1.  People are more than what i can get from them.  And they are worth forgiving.  No matter what.
2.  Honesty is more important than anything.  And being honest with myself is the heart of it.
3.  I don't want to waste time doing something that doesn't move me with some passion.
4.  Words -- written and verbal -- are important.  They mean something. I will only use them when i mean it.
5.  Family will always be there.  I hope i can do the same for them.
6.  I only want to invest time in my obligations and in what pleases me, not what others want me to do.
8.  Children are a responsibility and a gift.  I have more to give them than i have so far....
9.  Real friends are hard to come by.  Keeping them is harder still.  This highway is littered with former ones.
10.  Whatever i do, i'm going to do it well.  And if i'm not willing to do that, i'm getting the hell out.

Anyway, that's just a few thoughts.  Pretty obvious, basic stuff.  But not necessarily concepts that i've embraced or lived up to this point.  In fact, i'd say so far i have failed in every single one of them.  Hopefully, i can begin to make some progress in a couple of these.  If so, i'd say things are moving in the right direction.

That's about it for tonight.

Stay safe....

KWA

Honest feelings about tough times....

It's so hard to put into words how i feel today.  I guess it may make some people uncomfortable to be so honest about feelings and such, but i need to get some of this stuff out there for the sake of my own sanity.  So here goes:

I have been so sad that i cry  nearly every day.  Usually only briefly, because days have their good moments too. It's not like it's misery all the time.  I actually enjoy what i am doing.  But the stage of life i'm at right now feels so very hard.  And despite the difficulty, it feels like what i have to do.  At least for right now.

Talk about a mid-life crisis.  Mine's a doozy.

I miss the kids so much.  It's hard knowing they are doing their thing, having new experiences, enjoying their summer, and not be there to be part of it.  They are growing up and i am missing part of it....  God bless Tracey for being the full-time mom and dad....  I'll be home soon.

I miss Nicole so much that i can hardly stand it.  I feel so, so foolish and sick for doing the things that cost me my marriage.  We're trying hard to be friends, but it's not easy.  I wonder if i've learned anything from the mistakes....  I wish her so much "good".  I hope the day comes when she can forgive me and then we can see where we stand.  We had a very good conversation via text today.  I'm grateful for that.

At the age of 48 i really don't understand my motivations or my choices.  I don't know why i've done what i've done, or why i do what i do.  I'm really hoping that this experience brings some clarity to all this.  I do know that i am sitting in the midst of a critical period of my life -- and that something is happening to me.  Something painful, yet at the same time constructive and positive.  I just don't know exactly what it is yet.  Please let it be growth....

I guess i'm looking at myself in the mirror with real honesty for the first time in my life.  I suppose that's a gift.  And no, i don't like everything that i see.  The flaws somehow seem more glaring and the attributes less significant.  But it still feels like an opportunity that i dare not let pass.

I'm not sure if the metaphor of the highway for me is running away from something or towards something.....  I hope it's the latter.  Am i being gutsy for pursuing something that is burning inside me, taking a stand in favor of pursuit of personal truth?  Or am i a selfish ass for leaving everyone and everything to pursue a poorly thought-out fantasy, a 2011 Don Quixote on a journey of imagined significance?  I don't know.

I know some will applaud, and some will judge.  So be it.

I do know that i am doing what i need to do right now, and this blog is part of the catharsis.  Thanks for being interested enough in my journey to bear with me during times like this.

Stay safe....

KWA

The simple joy of being "just a number"

At the Charms candy plant in Covington, Tennessee.  Not far from the birth place of Isaac Hayes.  What a beautiful morning, with the fog rolling up off the corn fields.  It's amazing, here in the south -- people have such large front yards and every one of them is mowed perfectly.  You don't see any trashy, overgrown yards, even in front of very modest homes.  People obviously take pride in where they live.

Days have all been well over 100 during my  travels through Texas and Tennessee.  Muggy too.  Still, it's a beautiful area.

I'm certainly getting a new perspective on life and work since beginning my trucking adventure.  I'm realizing for the very first time in my life that i don't need to be doing something amazing, that i don't need to do something that impresses anyone.  I can be alright just doing a job and doing it well.  I had always thought that my life was going to result in absolutely spectacular things, that i was going to leave a major mark wherever i went.  But i'm finding myself very satisfied with just being a "number", being one of countless other drivers.  And i find a great deal of satisfaction with simply doing the job right -- driving safely and getting the load there on time.  There is actual peace and joy in that.  But i AM trying to be the best driver in the fleet.  I guess there still is a little competitive fire there....

And i'm loving seeing the countryside. We  live in a beautiful country.  I wish everyone could see it from the perspective of a truck cab.

I miss the girls tremendously.

And i miss my wife.

Stay safe....

KWA

The best job in the world.....

This job is the greatest.  Why?  It's the only one where your boss tells you to take a nap if you're feeling tired....

Parked in Laredo, TX (on the southern Texas border to Mexico) waiting to make a short run tomorrow morning to Dolores (a place you won't find on an Atlas).  Trailer filled with processed chicken parts bound for Mexico, from McComb, Miss.  Yumm!

Missing the girls a lot today.

Wrote lyrics for four country songs over the course of three hours while sitting in Charley trying to escape the heat.  Thank God for A/C.

No wildlife sightings today...just dead armadillos and coyotes.

CR England has had four roll-over accidents in the past 48 hours, one resulting in a fatality.  Serious business. maybe that's why i saw a guy this morning finishing up his pre-trip inspection by crossing himself three times at each corner of his truck.  Interesting.   It's definitely not a game out here....

Stay safe....

KWA

Deeper in the south....

Have spent the past two days driving through Texas and Louisiana.  Love Texas (saw two cars with Oregon Duck stickers -- sweet!!).  Not sure about Louisiana yet, although i did see a dead alligator on the side of the highway, which was pretty awesome.  Very muggy here outside of Baton Rouge, complete with flash lightening and rain storm.  Temp about 88.  Cooler than Texas, but much stickier.

All i know about Louisiana is that my Ducks are going to whup' up on them LSU Tigers on Sept. 3!!  Chip's gonna bring some pain to those sons o' mothers.  I don't go claiming that while i'm here, though....  Discretion somehow seems important.

Anyway, you just have to love truck stops in the south.  Three ole' boys were sitting near my table having the most retarded discussions about what the President's actual "job" is, the history of the interstate system and what cops can and cannot cite you for (according to them, if the cop can't show you the LAW you are breaking he or she can't cite you.  Oh, brother....)

These guys -- complete with thick accents, greasy hands, ball caps and at least one of them sporting BOTH suspenders and a belt -- couldn't have fit the stereotype of a southern truck driver better if you had taken out an advertisement.  Gotta say, they really matched the tee shirt i saw the other day: "You mess with me, you mess with the WHOLE trailer park!"  Other truck drivers were actually laughing at them.

Tomorrow i go a little deeper south, nudging a tad into Mississippi before turning around with a load bound for Laredo, TX.  OK, this next part is not for the consumption of children:  Supposedly, lots of truckers cross the border at Laredo for extracurricular "activities".  They even run shuttle vans back and forth across the border for the purpose.  This is one truck driver who doesn't intend to keep up the tradition, however.  Tattoos, yes.   Hookers, no.  Down, Charley, down boy!

Have a MAJOR tooth ache.  It's been killing me for three days.  I think it's a cracked molar, because i had the same thing on the other side.  They put a crown on that one and it fixed right up.  However, this time i have no insurance, so not sure what i'm going to do.  So far i just keep eating the advil, but that will only last so long.  Really need to figure something out here....:-(

WAY ahead of schedule for my Louisiana Walmart run, so am killing time parked about 10 miles away at a truck stop.   Alarm set for 4:30 am.

Hope everyone had a fun Fourth.  I didn't see a single sparkler....

Stay safe.

KWA

The stars at night, are big and bright.... Deep in the Heart of Texas!!

Coming at you live from Central Texas, I only have time for a short entry tonight, as the computer battery is dying..

Sitting at a rest stop near Ft. Stockton, about half way between El Paso and San Antonio.  My destination -- just outside of Baton Rouge -- brings me all the way across Texas, and it's a great drive.  Temps are in the high 90s, low 100s, but the air conditioning keeps it cool.  I could easily see living in Texas or New Mexico.  I thought the West Texas Town of El Paso was a cool looking city, and i wish i had time to explore it.  Maybe someday....  Listened to Mexican radio all day today.  Was great.  Felt like i was sitting in a Mexican food restaurant all day, but without the chips or margarita.   Was REALLY hankering for those.

Sorry i can't stop by Padre Island to buy you a cerveza  JL, but i will be buying fuel in Baytown....

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was a hard day.  I woke up with a flat tire, and that kind of set the tone for the day.   Thankfully i had spent the night at a rest stop that had a truck service center, so they got me on the road cheaply and quickly.  Appreciated the many good wishes, on FB as well as via text.  Thanks to everyone for that.  It helped to feel a little less alone.

I think i'm coming to grips with the fact that i'm sort of a wanderer, someone who has a hard time settling into a single routine.  That may be why this truck driving gig appeals to me.  May also explain some of the difficulties i've had.  More on all of that later, but the thought had been occurring to me today....hmmmm.

Turning in at about midnight so i can drive all day tomorrow.  I really hate driving at night, and i need to cover 500 miles.  The next day requires 400, and then i should be in Louisiana early for my appointment with Walmart.

Hope everyone had a safe and fun Fourth of July.  Missed all of you (family) in Seaside.

Stay safe....

KWA

Time to think is a gift....

Driving through southern Utah and northern New Mexico, and i feel like i'm driving through one of my Louis L'Amour novels, expecting to see Apaches on the rimrock above the highway, imagining my truck is a horse underneath me.

Feels like my name ought to be Shane or Blackie....

I absolutely love the Southwest.  The rock spires, the plateaus, the brusque hills, the dry, sparse foliage.... The ruggedness, the bleakness, the barrenness....  The smell of the heat.... The reds, greens, browns, golds and blacks.....    It's just a special, beautiful place.  It's awesome to realize that the rock formations haven't changed much in thousands of years, and the indians who inhabited the land before the white man arrived saw the exact same views as i am seeing, albeit without the "improvements" that have sprung up in the last couple hundred years.  It's a simple place that demands little to enjoy it.  It's on days like this that i especially appreciate my new career choice.  Oregon is beautiful, but it's easy to forget that there are many equally beautiful places that are so different.  And there are worse vantage points for viewing the world than through the cab of a truck.

It's also on days like this that i get sad.  Seeing so many families on the road for the holiday weekend is hard. Knowing that my extended family is getting together today for our usual Fourth of July family reunion makes absence difficult.

The fact that i've eaten nothing but peanut butter sandwiches, budget-brand granola bars and water for the past three days doesn't make it easier...lol.  It is remarkable how many meals you can cover with a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a plastic knife.  If you don't mind the monotony, that is.

After this trip i'll be headed east through San Antonio and then Baton Rouge for a delivery in Louisiana.  It's a run for Walmart, and i feel a little pressure.  Walmart is CR England's biggest customer and there is an expectation for absolute 100% on-time delivery.  If a load is 30 seconds late, it's late.  And that means Walmart doesn't have to pay for the shipping.  That gets my bosses a little annoyed.

Oh, the picture at left is Charley at the Ogden, UT Pictsweet plant -- our first load together: frozen vegetables bound for Los Lunas, New Mexico.

I noticed a strange thing yesterday while driving: seems all of my dreams and goals have disappeared.  I don't say that in a "poor me" sort of way, but in a matter-of-fact, "huh,-what-do-you-know" sort of way.  Driving through Moab, UT got me thinking about it, since Tracey and i once vacationed there prior to having kids.  I started thinking about vacations and future plans and realized that i don't have any motivation for a vacation, and certainly don't have any future plans.  The future is the next mile of asphalt, and nothing more.  I think losing Nicole just sort of took all of wind out of my sails and has left me not caring a whole lot about "next chapters".  It's just me and this truck.  And somehow i think it was good for me.  Not how it came about, but in terms of the result.  For some reason, it feels as if things were headed here for a very, very long time....

Thankfully i still have the kids to think about and be part of, or i would be entirely disconnected from my previous life.  As if it were two completely different people.  Actually, it feels that way a lot of the time, kids notwithstanding.  Almost seems as if things past were one long dream sequence in my awkward life.

If it sounds like i'm crying the blues, i'm not.  I'm happy doing what i'm doing right now.  And frankly, i don't have a lot of choices, so it's good to have found something that i can enjoy for the time being.  I'm just experiencing a fairly frank realization that my life has changed immeasurably from a year ago, in ways that i could never have imagined.  And i'm hoping that it all works out in a constructive way.

Seems like a good time to say something profound, like "cherish what you have because it could all be gone in a moment."  Or, "you never know where you're going to be in a year."  But those chestnuts somehow just sound pathetic coming from someone who shot himself in the foot.

Actually, the better lesson for me has been "be true to yourself".  I think i wasted a lot of years walking around in skin that didn't fit.  And even though i was relatively successful for a season, it inevitably came crashing down because it wasn't based on anything but a series of accidents and a lack of passion to do something else.  One should do what one loves to do.  Not what one HAS to do....

I'm really not sure what the future is going to hold.  All i know is i have to get to Walmart on time.  I guess that's all i need to  know right now....

Stay safe....

KWA