Nothing unusual happened today, but i did spend time reflecting on some of the internal changes i have experienced over the past two months:
1. The girls are the most important thing in my life, and i need to do a better job of communicating that to them by spending time with them. I have not set good examples in a number of areas and i intend to improve there -- to make sure i have earned their trust, their faith and their love. Grace and Abby are real treasures and i don't have a lot of time to spend with them before they're gone. I don't intend to waste future opportunities.
2. I don't rely on the opinions of others as i used to do. Previously, it was very important to me what people thought and whether they approved of my actions/decisions. Now, for whatever reason, that is just not important to me anymore. Of course, it's still nice to have approval, but it's not a driving need like before. I am comfortable with who i am and i am comfortable living with the consequences of my decisions and actions. Even when the consequences are painful. That's where the growth occurs. And boy, have i been growing.
3. I like myself and who i am. I could not say that three months ago. Again, i don't know why this has changed, but it has -- and in the midst of some things where i could be (and am) very critical of myself and regretful. I think being consistent with taking medication has certainly played a role. But there are other factors too, that i cannot currently pinpoint. I think it has something to do with appreciating that i am being true to myself with respect to my career and my life and not "playing a role" that was not me. I think it was hard to respect myself when i was doing something that did not fit, and knowing i was doing something i did not like.
4. I don't feel the need to be "the best", but am ok being just average. Ever since i was little, there has been an unreasonable urge in me to be the "best" at something. I say unreasonable because i never put the time or effort into any activity to BE the best. Maybe it was really more a powerful desire to achieve and be doing something impressive to others (see point number 2). The weird part is that i would then get frustrated with a lack of what i thought was "enough" achievement, even though i didn't invest the energy to earn it in the first place. Anyway, that vicious circle is no longer operational in my life and i feel a great sense of freedom because of it. And again, i really can't tell you what changed. I'm going to have to keep thinking about that one for a future blog. But here i am, just a truck driver hauling produce around the country, and i couldn't be happier doing it.
5. I feel the need to really connect with people on a personal level, rather than the fairly superficial, glad-handing interpersonal method i previously employed. I guess when you're just in your head for 12 hours at a time you begin to appreciate quality time with another human being, rather than taking it for granted.
Anyway, just a few of the things i've been thinking about lately.
Stay safe everyone...... Don't forget to carry chains. But leave the whips at home.
KWA
Carry chains?? For what??
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