A hard new development....

Driving through Oklahoma Sunday morning on way from California to Chicago with a load of Gilroy garlic.

When i started this blog, i promised myself that i would do it with unbridled honesty.  I decided that if it were to be a true journey of self discovery and personal revelation, that it had to include the ups as well as the downs, and that it had to be a sincere reflection of what was going on both internally and externally.  And it had to do so regardless of whether the result was flattering or condemning of me.

In that vein, i'm sad to report that Nicole (my wife) is filing for divorce. I suppose the particulars aren't important.  What IS important is that it's my fault, not her's.  I think it's fair to say that her decision is the result of two years of  my selfish, self-centered behavior that ultimately wore her down to the point that she could no longer keep her head above the water and had to get out in order to save her sanity and her self respect.

So what have i learned that helps ensure that i become a better person from this development, rather than continue in destructive behavior towards others and myself?

One thing i've learned is that i'm just not that important.  I am one of countless thousands of other truckers out there.  And our loads are mere drops in the bucket of America's commerce.  For example, the load of garlic that we are currently driving to Chicago is important, but it is ultimately easily replaceable.  No one's life depends on this load getting there.  If we were to have a mishap with the truck and lost our load it would be unfortunate (and i would probably lose my job), but the upshot would simply be that the receiver would just have to wait an extra day or two for their shipment.  There would be no substantive interruption that is noticeable to anyone other than the garlic shipper who lost the load.

The corollary to that is that i am supremely important in terms of ensuring that my load travels its journey safely with no damage to life or property on the way.  It is my responsibility to protect my space of highway while i am behind the wheel.  It's my job to look out for others, even when they are not looking out for themselves.  The application here, i think, is that i am finally recognizing a tremendous, selfless responsibility towards others (children, spouse, friends) that i have not necessarily taken seriously enough.  Instead, it's been more important for me to pursue my own ends and the impact on others has been somewhat secondary on the list.  Most people learn that much earlier in life.  I'm a slow learner....

Some may protest, "but Ken, you are still making this about you. What about Nicole and your girls?"  At least one person has already nailed me to the cross for my behavior.  Probably fairly.   All i can offer is that the only perspective i have is my own.  And the only thing i can change is myself.   And that's the purpose of this blog:  to provide others with a view of what i am doing and why.  And ultimately, this is to serve as a vehicle for self-improvement and self-salvation.  That's what this career change, this blog, this journey is about.  Thanks for reading.

Stay safe out there....

KWA