The birth of the journey.....

I think it may be a good time to back up a step or two.  I imagine a few of my readers may be wondering, why in the world is Ken doing this -- has he lost his mind??  What possibly possesses a person to leave a six figure salary, a secure, prestigious job in favor of becoming what amounts to a blue collar laborer, the cliche country song topic: a truck driver.  Well, faithful few, that's the subject of today's blog, and i'm prepared to let it all hang out in an attempt to help those understand who may be perplexed (and perhaps even concerned) about my choices.

In short, what happened over the course of a two-year period was that i had something of an extended nervous breakdown.  It began with a general dissatisfaction with the job, feeling like there HAD to be something ELSE other than trying to argue  for issues that I rarely cared about, in an environment that can suck the marrow from your bones and the blood from your veins unless you happen to be one of the few who simply LIVES for politics and doing political battle. And to be sure, for those who are of the latter persuasion, i offer unending respect and appreciation for this necessary work.  It just came to be something that didn't fit my temperament.  I don't think it ever did.

Unable to find my way anymore in my accidental profession (and seeing that my performance was rapidly sliding to the point of being irrecoverable), and struggling with increasing mental health problems, inlcuding stress, panic, lethargy, indifference and even suicidal thoughts, I ultimately checked in at the Cedar Hills mental health treatment faciiity in Portland, OR.  It was here that i was, for the first time, diagnosed with major clinical depression, bi-polar tendencies, Attention Deficit Disorder and Type II Diabetes.  All to go along with my exceptionally high blood pressure.  And i had been drinking heavily during this entire two-year period, using alcohol to medicate my unmanageable symptoms.  Small wonder that i felt i was standing on the edge of the abyss and about to fall headlong into it.

I think i was in danger of "losing" my kids -- not in terms of custody, but in terms of being a father to them and being there when they needed me.  Also, my second marriage was now broken, possibly beyond repair, and it still is  I had done serious damage all the way around my small, seriously screwed up world.  I was about as self-absorbed in negativity as was possible for one person.  And people were falling away from me; friends for sure, but also including my family.

Well, I spent a week at Cedar Hills and seemed to get a lot of things straightened out in my head, not the least of which was the absolute clarity of thought that i needed to abandon my career for the sake of my sanity and my health.  I am now on a prescription drug regimen for my variety of ailments that is making a TRUE difference in how i feel and how i interact with the world.

To make a long part of this story shorter, i decided to pursue truck driving school because it was something that had always interested me and was a career path that allowed for lots of reflection.  It also was about as diametrically different from my previous job, which was very attractive.  My ultimate goal is to write a book about this mental health journey, and doing long-haul trucking seemed a perfect career metaphor for what was going on in my head.  So one thing led to another and i found myself on a bus to Salt Lake City, Utah, which is where my first blog post picks up.

It's really all a grand experiment in self-discovery for me.  And while many will view the choice as extremely selfish, especially with two children at home, i am at peace with the decision.  And i am trusting that this is, in fact, where i'm supposed to be and that it will play out positively.  It certainly can't be worse than the path i had been on previously.

And even if it proves to have been a mistake, at least it was proactive.  It represented taking ACTION rather than feeling sorry for myself because things weren't what i wanted.  Because by not doing anything, we are choosing to do something.  And that choice was unacceptable.

Anyway, that's the condensed version.  While opening ourselves up is always a risk, i am confident the risk is worth taking in order to provide others with perspective on my decisions.  And for those of you thus far invested in my story, i felt it was only fair to offer this context.  Here's keeping my fingers crossed for good things.... For all of us.

Stay safe....

KWA